Praying My Way Through Each Day

That Still Small Voice

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put some AirPods in and hear God’s voice loud and clear?!?! Sometimes, I wish it was that easy. Now don’t get me wrong, I fully believe that if God wanted to speak audibly to me, He could and would. However, I feel like He tends to use alternative methods to communicate. There was a period of time when I truly felt He spoke to me through Facebook posts! I know that sounds silly, but I have learned not to put ANYTHING past God. There are other times I pray for directions or answers, and I am met with what feels like radio silence.

Discerning God’s will is not a skill in which I feel especially gifted. I often struggle with overthinking or doubting the decisions I do make. At the end of last school year, I was feeling at a crossroads again. My son’s cardiologist brought up his future heart surgery, and I was worried about being in a commited teaching position if surgery was on the horizon. I was faced with having to decide if I was going to stay in the position I was in, or move back into public education. Both options just didn’t feel right, but I felt stuck and unsure.

One Thursday evening, I had a discussion with my younger brother about how I feel like I stink at discerning God’s will. Sometimes, I think I am following His path for my life, but then things crash and burn. Other times, I feel like I have no clue what I am supposed to do.

The next morning, I was substitute teaching for a special needs class that I had grown to love. I had even considered applying to be a paraprofessional in that class, becuase I would be able to get medical insurance, and my kids would be covered through both my husband and me. For a medically complex kiddo like my son, that would mean fewer out of pocket bills, and with a possible heart surgery looming, that seemed like a logical choice. However, I just felt like God was pushing me to have more flexibility in my schedule. I had no idea what that would look like, or how I would achieve it! Little did I know, I would get an answer in the school hallway.

That Friday, while subbing, I was taking a student for a walk around the school. While pushing her wheelchair through the halls, I was contemplating all of the choices I had for the next school year. The halls were quiet, and her and I were just enjoying the peceful stroll. I was going back and forth between staying at my current place of employment or moving back into the public school system. Suddenly, a thought popped into my head, “You could just sub next year.” I was so surprised by the idea. I had not even considered the option of just substitute teaching. Excitement began to build inside as I considered this option. With subbing, I could work when my schedule allowed and be off if I needed to be off. I would be able to attend doctor appointments or school functions wihtout having to find coverage for myself. I could have the flexibility I felt like God was telling me I needed. At the end of the day, I called my mom to share this new development. Her exact words were, “Why havent we thought of this?”

I’ll tell you why…..because the whole time I was trying to solve my problem, and I hadn’t truly given it to God! I know for a fact He put that thought in my mind. In 1 Kings 19, He comes to Elijah as a whisper. That still small voice. He was showing me that I can, in fact, hear Him and He does speak to me. What a sweet reassurance from my awesome Father. If I just take the time to be still and listen, I WILL hear Him. He may not be shouting an answer, it may be a whisper, but He will guide me if I let Him.

As soon as I realized He had given me an answer, I had immediate peace over the situation. I knew I would be facing changes and good byes, but it felt right. Leaving the school I was teaching at was difficult. I was surrounded by amazing colleagues, parents, and students, but they understood. Now, I am not perfect, and there have been times that I have questioned if this is truly what I am supposed to be doing. Let me tell you, ever time I have started to question, SOMETHING has happened that has reminded me that yes, I am supposed to have this flexibility. Change is hard, and stepping out on faith isn’t easy, but ultimately it has been worth it. I am always working on my realationship with God, and I want to stay in a place of being able to hear and feel His directions. At times, it is scary to think about why I need this flexibility, but I know that whatever happens He will be right by my side through it all.

So, if you are ever feeling unsure about what you are supposed to be doing, ask. Just be prepared to listen closely, because the answer may be but a whipser.

Failing Doesn’t Mean I’m a Failure

Wow. I haven’t written in FOREVER. I honesly do not remeber what my last post was about (I haven’t looked at my blog yet to remind myself), but I do feel like I said something about wanting to write more. Whoops! Clearly, I did not follow through with that plan. I do know that in the time between my last post and now, a lot of life has happened. Probably too much to try and recap in one summary, so just know I have not forgotten about this blog. It has crossed my mind many times. I think about it when something happens that feels like a lesson or when something happens that I feel may be relatable to others. However, I fail to post. I fail to make the time to share. I fail to pause and express myself through my words. I fail. But recently, I had an aha moment. A moment of growth, if you will. A moment of validating my worth to myself, and well, I feel compelled to share.

You see, in the midst of the crazy life I live, I have been working on myself. Part of that process has involved working with a therapsit, who I might add, is AMAZING. She challenges me too see my worth and value. She pushes me recognize my strengths, accept compliments, and she encourages me to advocate for myself. All of the forementioned skills do not come easy for me. I struggle with confidence, and releasing control is extremely difficult. Often, I do not ask for help, but sometimes, I could really use it! I feel like I have taken baby steps to grow as a person, and I have moments that make me feel proud. One such moment happened recently at Girl Scout camp.

I am a co-leader for my daughter’s Girl Scout troop. I was never a Girl Scout, so I often feel like I have no idea what is going on. However, I do my best to give this precious group of girls access to experiences that will help them grow as individuals. I have taken trainings to learn how to guide them, and I work to make sure our experiences are not only worthwile but fun! They are a group of 10 amazing girls, who I have had the pleasure of working with for about five years. Recently, we had an overnight weekend camp. We have done these before, and I feel like I have a pretty good handle on them. There is the occasional hiccup, but we manage!

Well, one night on this trip, we were going to be cooking over a fire. I know how to build and start a fire, and I have done it multiple times before. For whatever reason, this fire did not want to cooperate. I was trying my best, but it did not want to stay lit. Just when I was reaching a point of frustration, the camp directors pulled up to check in on us and the troop next to us. One of the directors asked how it was going, and in a moment of honesty and humility I replied, “Well this fire is not loving me tonight!” She asked, “Would you like some help?” and without hesitation I replied, “Yeah, that would be great.” Ummmmmm did I just do that? Did I just say, “Yes I could use some help”? I don’t know if it was the exhaustion or sheer frustration, but I accepted the help. Willingly. In my head I was already thinking, “My therapist would be so proud of me.” That director worked her magic, and got our fire burning strong and steady. I was releived and feeling pretty proud of myself. Then I heard it…

One of my girls was explaining to another girl that had walked up to the fire what was going on. She said, “Mrs. April was failing, but Loki (the camp director) worked her magic and got the fire going.” In that moment I had a choice. Old me would have felt hurt and taken that stament to heart. I would have perseverated on the fact that I could not get that fire going, and I had to rely on someone else. Good thing I have been working on myself, because new me literally told myself, “Yes. You were failing, BUT you are not a failure.” What?!?! Who am I? I. Am. Not. A. Failure. I had one moment of struggle. One moment of not accomplishing a task. One moment of not succeding. One moment. That is it. And that one moment, that one mistake, does not define me as a person. My worth and value are not determined by one moment of failing. To be able to say that to myself was a huge step for me. To be able to let that moment pass and own the fact that it does not define me showed huge growth. So let me say it to you again. You may have a moment when you are failing, but YOU are not a failure!

P.S. I just went back to see the date of my last post, and it was almost exactly one year ago. At this rate, I may not post again until next May, but I am going to try really hard to avoid waiting that long. We shall see!

A Reminder to Myself

Well, it has been ten months since my last blog post. Ten months to the day! How did I let that happen? I will tell you how: LIFE. I actually just read my last blog, and it served as a reminder to myself that it is ok to take breaks when needed, especially when we are all having to deal with a “new normal”.

When I started this blog, I was so excited to have an outlet to share my feelings, connect with others, and hopefully encourage at least one of you along the way. I had plans, aspirations, and nothing but time. Then God stepped in, and low and behold, He fulfilled a dream I had held in my heart for a while.

When I was little, I attended a wonderful little church preschool. I have fond memories of the water table, music class, and chapel time. I loved my teachers and the friends I made. My little sister and brother attended the same preschool, and even my sweet daughter was able to attend for a year. I have always wanted to teach at this school but never really felt like I was going to be able. You see, I was used to being the main source of income and insurance, and I knew there was no way I could afford to leave public education. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the schools I worked at, the colleagues I worked with, and the students I was blessed to call “my kids”. However, I just always had this desire to return to the school where it all started for me. I wanted to pour into littles and be a more present mom to my daughter. I wanted to volunteer at her school and join her for lunch. In early 2017, I thought all of that was happening! My husband and I felt like it was a good time for me to leave public education and spend some more time with my daughter while she was still young. There were teacher openings at the preschool, and I had a job interview lined up for the following school year. Then….

Yep. I peed positive. To be honest, I didn’t understand. I thought God was opening doors for me, and this pregnancy was going to slam them all shut. I had a hard time accepting and understanding what was happening in my life, but that’s because I was trying to use MY understanding. Proverbs 3:5 reminds us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” God understood exactly what was happening, and He DID have a plan. I just couldn’t see it.

Fast forward to October 2017, when I accidentally fell on my pregnant belly, and thought I had hurt my baby. Mom rushed me to the ER, and Hubby met me there. I wasn’t due for another month, but the fall sent me into early labor. Since my precious boy was breech, I had to have a c-section the next morning! We welcomed our son, and ya’ll guess what happened the very next day? Hubby was offered a job, no a career, with a wonderful company. He would be able to become the bread winner and insurance provider. God sure knew what He was doing because not a month later, we started to notice some struggles my son was having. Those struggles are a story for another post, but long story short (which is never possible with me!) baby boy ended up having a rare genetic mutation, and he would need a lot of medical care. I ended up having to resign from my teaching position to care for him. I became a stay at home mom, and what’s even more funny, is that is another major dream I had as well, but I just always wrote it off as impossible. God was moving, but he wasn’t done just yet. Brother (one of my little guy’s nicknames) had to have a few surgeries and multiple therapies. We settled into our new normal, and I became a special needs mom. I have a dual certification in regular and special education, so I have worked with both. Again, God’s plan and His timing. Everything I had done and experienced in life up until that point had prepared me to be my son’s mom.

So let me get back to what I was stating in the beginning of this blog. Life happened in July of 2019, and I fell of the blogging train. I had set out on this new adventure fired up, but then God hit the pause button. But guess why He hit it y’all?!?! I reached out to that preschool again, just to see if maybe I could substitute teach. Brother was starting to stabilize, and my mom lives two streets away and is able to help care for him. Well, the director, who I had interviewed with two years prior, responded that she actually needed to fill some teaching positions! Was this real life? I met with her hoping to work a couple days a week, but she shared that she really needed a kindergarten teacher. In my heart, I was keeping my fingers crossed that she had an opening in one of the classes that meet Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. However, here she was sharing her heart letting me know that she had been unable to find someone to fill the kindergarten position, and it was a five day position. Could I handle five days? Could my mom watch my son for five days? I talked it over with my husband, prayed a lot, and felt like if she was willing to take a chance on me, I will take a leap of faith. I accepted and eagerly began to plan being back in the classroom. A few days later, while at the school, she pulled me aside to let me know that she no longer had the numbers for a second kindergarten classroom, but if I was interested she did still have an assistant opening. I told her I would love to be an assistant. With it being my first year back, and my son still not 100%, an assistant position would be great. I’m sure you guys will NEVER guys what days the class meets. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays! Psalm 37:4 states, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” What a precious God! He knew what I longed for, and He allowed me to be in a position to achieve that dream.

Now here we are, ten months since my last post. I was blessed with an amazing job, and I have been enjoying all of the extra time with my two kiddos. Life has taken another unexpected turn, but this time almost everyone has felt the impact. We are all waiting and watching as this pandemic spreads. My family has been very cautious, because Brother is medically complex. We have prayed for protection and turned our fears over to God. Ultimately He is in control. I have made a little space for myself in a corner of the house, and my mom has generously let me borrow a laptop. So I am back to writing, sharing, and hopefully encouraging. Hopefully, it won’t be another ten months before I post again! Thank you for reading my long post, and I pray you and your family are well.

Self-Care and Sparklers

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I read something a while ago about thanking someone instead of apologizing. I am the type person who constantly says “sorry”, so I am always working to correct myself. I hear my daughter starting to say “sorry” all of the time, and I realize I need to be more intentional with my efforts. So, let me begin by saying thank you for your patience in waiting for a new post. I wandered a little off course, and I appreciate your understanding. We all have moments in life where we feel a little lost or down. Your compass might feel like it is spinning in circles and you cannot find your way out of the forest. In those moments, it is important to pause, take a mental break, and refocus on what is important.

July is hard for me this year. For whatever reason, I’m struggling more this year than most. July is the month we lost my father to suicide. July 14th is day. Depression is a generational struggle in our family, so I have to be extra vigilant when I feel myself slipping. I have to take a break if I need to, and make sure I am alright, so I can get back to living my best life. I depend on God, my family, and when needed medicine.

Grief is an interesting process and sometimes it can sneak up on you at the most unexpected time. This July will be nine years since my father’s death. Even though it’s been nine years, sometime it feels as if it has only been days. I occasionally have what I call “Dad moments”. A moment so raw and painful that I’m suddenly overcome with emotion. I grieve not having my father in my life, I grieve the fact that my children were never able to meet him here on Earth, I grieve the marriage my mother is still supposed to have. These moments aren’t easy, but they eventually pass. Sometimes I just feel in a funk, and have to stop and work myself out of that funk. The lapse in posts is due to one of these episodes. I did not even realize until I shared my feelings with my mom, and she pointed out that were were approaching July. I think I sometimes feel that I should no longer be affected by my father’s passing, but that’s just silly.

July also holds my anniversary, several birthday, and of course, Independence Day. I have fond family memories of going to watch the fireworks and playing with sparklers in the backyard. My father LOVED sparklers, and every 4th of July I HAVE to play with sparklers. The summer that we lost him, he was extremely depressed. He had lost weight and rarely smiled. The picture above is the last picture I took with my father. Ten days later, he was gone. However, I love this picture, and it holds a very special spot in my heart. When I look at this picture, I see joy and love. I don’t see the depression. I don’t see the pain. I don’t see the worry. I see a father’s love frozen in time. This picture reflects how I choose to remember my father. I try not to focus on how he died but rather by how he lived. Sparklers were one of our favorite activities, so I carry that tradition on through my children. My daughter and I had a great time playing with them in the backyard last night, and when she wanted to go in, I stayed and played alone. I lit those sparklers and let myself have fun.

Sometimes we have to choose joy. It isn’t always easy, believe me, I understand. We have to look for and find the joy in all circumstances. That joy is the grace and love God poured out for us through Christ His son. If we seek Him, accept Him, and follow Him, we will find our joy. Our joy doesn’t come from earthly manners, but from Him alone.

Mental health is such a sensitive topic, and I wish it wasn’t. I open up about my father’s death to help others, to raise awareness, and to be a voice for those that feel like they have lost theirs. You can help too! Familiarize yourself with the signs and symptoms of someone struggling with depression. Do not be afraid to reach out, and if you have a friend or loved one in crisis, please seek help. There are people who care, understand, and want to help. If you are a suicide survivor and have lost a loved one or friend to suicide, I understand you pain. I am always willing to talk and listen. You can comment below anytime. If you would like more information and resources, you can click on the images below.

I pray you all remember to listen to your body and take care of yourself when needed. I also pray that you find joy in even the darkest of life’s moments. Light your sparkler and let it shine!

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Cheer Squad

During a recent conversation with a sweet friend, I was reminded of just how blessed I am to have been raised by a loving and encouraging mother and father. My parents were and still are my biggest supporters. It is tough to listen to others share about childhoods that left them with scars either, mentally or physically. I wish everyone was raised with the love and encouragement I received. I have not been able to shake that conversation and my thoughts surrounding it, so here I am to write. 🙂 Sometimes, I get ideas for a post and I will second guess myself, but God has a way of encouraging me and providing signs of confirmation. So, this is me, trying to be obedient!

This blog is a place for me to share what is on my heart. As I stated in my introduction, this blog will continue to grow, as I continue to grow. It will not be perfect, I will make mistakes, it may not even make sense at times, but since my first post, I have had a lot of positive feedback and encouragement to keep writing. So today, I want to talk about cheerleaders! Yes, you read that correctly. Cheerleaders.

When I hear the word cheerleader, I automatically flash back to middle school. I remember attending auditions for the cheer leading team. I had so much fun, felt I did really well, and just knew I was going to make the team. To this day, I can still perform one of the tryout cheers! Wouldn’t you all like to see a video of that cheer?!?! Well, cut to the day they post who made the team. I scanned the names and quickly realized I wasn’t listed. I was upset of course, but I eventually overcame that let down. In a way, I try to be a cheerleader everyday. I enjoy building others up, making them smile, and boosting their spirits.

My husband and I have season tickets for our local MLS football club. Our seats are near the supporter section and it is electric! You can feel the excitement and love pouring from the stands. When the team is doing well, that section is cheering! Guess what? When the team is not doing well, that section is still cheering! They are continuing to show support, love, and confidence in their team. Don’t we all need a supporter section? As much as I love encouraging others, I also appreciate the reassurance I receive from my friends and family. I have learned to surround myself with people who lift me up instead of tear me down. That hasn’t always been the case, and that might not be the case for you.

Maybe you are caught in a situation that is toxic, but you do not view yourself as worthy of anything better. I can assure you friend, no matter your circumstances or transgressions, you have value. Your life is just as precious as anyone else, and God loves you unconditionally. Seek out your cheerleaders. If you do not have any, hold auditions! Open your eyes and hearts to those that are trying to help and have your best interest at heart.

Maybe you are doing alright in life, tooting along happy and healthy. If so, keep your eyes open to those that need your encouragement. You don’t have to don a skirt and poms poms to be a cheerleader to others (whew!). We can look at Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians and see he addresses this very issue. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 states, ” Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” (ESV) Words of affirmation may not be one of your love languages, and that is ok. However, I implore you to find opportunities to practice.

Finally, I feel it necessary to add my own words of caution when it comes to encouraging others. Have you ever shouted so loud at a sporting event or concert that you lost your voice? You were so caught up in cheering your favorite team or band on, that you didn’t realize the harm you were causing yourself? There is nothing wrong with wanting to build others up, but make sure to pause every now and then to assess your mental and physical state. If you need to sit on the bench for a minute and take a sip of water, do it! I have personally felt depleted from carrying others’ burdens before, and I had to take a break. My breaks don’t mean that I want that person to fail, or don’t care for their circumstance. My breaks simply mean that I need to refresh and reboot before I attempt that tumbling pass! On the flip side, if you have a friend or family member who is a constant support and you notice she has been a little quite, check in on her. She may need a spotter!

Beyond the Storm

It stormed yesterday. My husband, daughter, and I were getting ice cream, when all of a sudden, the wind began to whip the trees back and forth. Leaves were being torn off the branches and twirled in circles on the ground. The sky darkened, and right after we got in the car, the flood gates opened. After the storm passed, I ventured out to run a last minute errand. As I drove down the road, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the sky looked. There were still dark clouds lingering, but at the top of those clouds, I was able to see a few clouds shining bright, reflecting the rays from the hidden sun. I absolutely LOVE spotting those clouds. You know the ones I’m talking about. They sit atop the darkness and give a small glimmer of the beauty that lies just beyond the gray.

I see those clouds and daydream of what it must look like above the passing storm. I picture the times I have flown through clouds and storms. White knuckling the arm rests or squeezing my loved one’s hand so hard it might fall off, I pray silently that the pilot reaches altitude. I check my window hoping to see us break through the turbulence inducing clouds. As the plane climbs higher, it finally rise into the sunlight and the horizon looks like an endless field of white cotton. I often feel this view is a glimpse of what heaven will look like.

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As I drove on tonight, I began to think about how much life is like this passing storm. We have all heard sayings like “dance in the rain” and “this too shall pass”. We know that storms are temporary, and often with storms come rainbows: beautiful reminders of God’s promises. But let’s be honest, storms can be scary. They can come out of nowhere and leave us scrambling. They can cause harm, destruction, and even death. We might fare well and receive rain we have been needing, or we may be left in shambles faced with devastation and little hope. Life’s figurative storms are no different. We might be upset with God, wondering why we are having to face such a challenge. We may question how we are going to overcome. We may pray and pray and feel like He can’t hear us through the thick wall of clouds looming above. But rest assured, He does hear us. Psalm 145:18 says, ” The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” (ESV) The Bible continually reminds us to pray. In fact, many of you can probably recite 1 Thessalonians 5:17 “pray without ceasing” (ESV)

There are so many examples in the Bible of God using storms for a purpose. Look at Jonah, and even Jesus himself calming a storm to teach His disciples a lesson. That’s what storms do. They shape us. God uses storms to build our faith and help us learn to persevere through trials and tribulations. James 1:2-4 explains ” Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (ESV)

Did you see the first part of those verses? “Count it all joy” Real talk, this step is difficult. Let’s go back to 1 Thessalonians 5:17. If we look it up in the Bible, we will notice that it is only one part of a directive. Let’s look at the set of verses in their entirety “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (ESV) Rejoice always and give thanks in all circumstances. This task is not easy. I can tell you right now, I have failed at this many times. People always say, “God never gives us more than we can handle.” My journey through life has given me a different perspective on this saying. After losing my father to suicide, miscarrying two babies, and facing the uncertainties of my son’s rare genetic disorder, I can tell you without a doubt that God ABSOLUTELY gives us more than we can handle. BUT, He never gives us more than HE can handle. He is right by our side every step of the way. We can find joy in knowing that He has a plan and a purpose, even during our darkest days.

These storms we face might pass quickly or feel like they are lasting forever. They may leave us wounded and exhausted, but praise God we do not have to face them alone. Even during a real storm, the sun is never truly gone. It is always there, just like He is always there for us.

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Who am I?

Wow, that is a tough question! Do we ever really know who we are? I feel like my identity changes daily, and some days I find myself asking myself this same question. One thing I do know, is I am a daughter of the King, and I was saved by grace! ( Can I get a hallelujah?) I am a wife, a mother, and now, I am a stay at home mom. I was a teacher (although I don’t believe teachers every really stop being teachers) for 12 years until God blessed my husband and me with a surprise son.

We already had a beautiful daughter, and after a couple miscarriages, and a pretty difficult birth for our daughter, we thought we were done having children. We accepted that we would only have one child, and we even announced to our friends “We are good with one.” However, God likes to keep me humble in big ways, and He is constantly reminding me that He is in control, not me. Shortly after we announced we were done, God decided to add more fun! We now have a precious baby boy who is one of the happiest children I know. Not long after his birth, we began learning of some congenital defects, and after much testing, we finally learned he has a very rare genetic mutation. He sees many doctors and attends a lot of therapy, so he has quickly become my new full time job. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but never really thought it was going to be possible. There I was again, forgetting I’m not in control.

I have been toying with the idea of starting a blog for a few years. I have always enjoyed writing, but I have been hesitant to put my thoughts and my life out there in such a public way. A blog seems much more personal than say, a social media post, so the feeling of vulnerability weighs heavy in my mind. Also, I don’t really have a “niche”. I’m not an awesome photographer, I am just learning to cook (I know, I know), I don’t travel nearly as much as I would like to, and I sure as heck can’t keep a plant alive. I would like to pause for a moment of silence to remember every plant I have ever cared for…………

So, this blog does not really have a main focus, kind of like my brain. It jumps all over the place ALL of the time! Should you choose to follow me on this journey, I cannot promise that you will learn how to do anything new. What I can promise is my open and honest opinions about surviving this thing called life!

I lean on God daily, and literally pray my way through all situations both happy and sad. Am I a Bible expert? No. Did I go to school for ministry? No. Have I experienced God’s grace, strength, and comfort firsthand? Yes. My hope for this blog, is that it helps at least one person smile and know how much he/she is loved. You are never alone, and thank God, neither am I. I would love to connect with others who are also doing their best to make it through each day. Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions you may have about any of my posts. I look forward to sharing my journey with you all.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds it.