Self-Care and Sparklers

I read something a while ago about thanking someone instead of apologizing. I am the type person who constantly says “sorry”, so I am always working to correct myself. I hear my daughter starting to say “sorry” all of the time, and I realize I need to be more intentional with my efforts. So, let me begin by saying thank you for your patience in waiting for a new post. I wandered a little off course, and I appreciate your understanding. We all have moments in life where we feel a little lost or down. Your compass might feel like it is spinning in circles and you cannot find your way out of the forest. In those moments, it is important to pause, take a mental break, and refocus on what is important.

July is hard for me this year. For whatever reason, I’m struggling more this year than most. July is the month we lost my father to suicide. July 14th is day. Depression is a generational struggle in our family, so I have to be extra vigilant when I feel myself slipping. I have to take a break if I need to, and make sure I am alright, so I can get back to living my best life. I depend on God, my family, and when needed medicine.

Grief is an interesting process and sometimes it can sneak up on you at the most unexpected time. This July will be nine years since my father’s death. Even though it’s been nine years, sometime it feels as if it has only been days. I occasionally have what I call “Dad moments”. A moment so raw and painful that I’m suddenly overcome with emotion. I grieve not having my father in my life, I grieve the fact that my children were never able to meet him here on Earth, I grieve the marriage my mother is still supposed to have. These moments aren’t easy, but they eventually pass. Sometimes I just feel in a funk, and have to stop and work myself out of that funk. The lapse in posts is due to one of these episodes. I did not even realize until I shared my feelings with my mom, and she pointed out that were were approaching July. I think I sometimes feel that I should no longer be affected by my father’s passing, but that’s just silly.

July also holds my anniversary, several birthday, and of course, Independence Day. I have fond family memories of going to watch the fireworks and playing with sparklers in the backyard. My father LOVED sparklers, and every 4th of July I HAVE to play with sparklers. The summer that we lost him, he was extremely depressed. He had lost weight and rarely smiled. The picture above is the last picture I took with my father. Ten days later, he was gone. However, I love this picture, and it holds a very special spot in my heart. When I look at this picture, I see joy and love. I don’t see the depression. I don’t see the pain. I don’t see the worry. I see a father’s love frozen in time. This picture reflects how I choose to remember my father. I try not to focus on how he died but rather by how he lived. Sparklers were one of our favorite activities, so I carry that tradition on through my children. My daughter and I had a great time playing with them in the backyard last night, and when she wanted to go in, I stayed and played alone. I lit those sparklers and let myself have fun.

Sometimes we have to choose joy. It isn’t always easy, believe me, I understand. We have to look for and find the joy in all circumstances. That joy is the grace and love God poured out for us through Christ His son. If we seek Him, accept Him, and follow Him, we will find our joy. Our joy doesn’t come from earthly manners, but from Him alone.

Mental health is such a sensitive topic, and I wish it wasn’t. I open up about my father’s death to help others, to raise awareness, and to be a voice for those that feel like they have lost theirs. You can help too! Familiarize yourself with the signs and symptoms of someone struggling with depression. Do not be afraid to reach out, and if you have a friend or loved one in crisis, please seek help. There are people who care, understand, and want to help. If you are a suicide survivor and have lost a loved one or friend to suicide, I understand you pain. I am always willing to talk and listen. You can comment below anytime. If you would like more information and resources, you can click on the images below.

I pray you all remember to listen to your body and take care of yourself when needed. I also pray that you find joy in even the darkest of life’s moments. Light your sparkler and let it shine!