Failing Doesn’t Mean I’m a Failure

Wow. I haven’t written in FOREVER. I honesly do not remeber what my last post was about (I haven’t looked at my blog yet to remind myself), but I do feel like I said something about wanting to write more. Whoops!  Clearly, I did not follow through with that plan.  I do know that in the time between my last post and now, a lot of life has happened.  Probably too much to try and recap in one summary, so just know I have not forgotten about this blog.  It has crossed my mind many times.  I think about it when something happens that feels like a lesson or when something happens that I feel may be relatable to others.  However, I fail to post.  I fail to make the time to share.  I fail to pause and express myself through my words.  I fail.  But recently, I had an aha moment.  A moment of growth, if you will.  A moment of validating my worth to myself, and well, I feel compelled to share.  

You see, in the midst of the crazy life I live, I have been working on myself.  Part of that process has involved working with a therapsit, who I might add, is AMAZING.  She challenges me too see my worth and value.  She pushes me recognize my strengths, accept compliments, and she encourages me to advocate for myself.  All of the forementioned skills do not come easy for me. I struggle with confidence, and releasing control is extremely difficult.  Often, I do not ask for help, but sometimes, I could really use it! I feel like I have taken baby steps to grow as a person, and I have moments that make me feel proud. One such moment happened recently at Girl Scout camp.

I am a co-leader for my daughter’s Girl Scout troop. I was never a Girl Scout, so I often feel like I have no idea what is going on. However, I do my best to give this precious group of girls access to experiences that will help them grow as individuals. I have taken trainings to learn how to guide them, and I work to make sure our experiences are not only worthwile but fun! They are a group of 10 amazing girls, who I have had the pleasure of working with for about five years. Recently, we had an overnight weekend camp. We have done these before, and I feel like I have a pretty good handle on them. There is the occasional hiccup, but we manage!

Well, one night on this trip, we were going to be cooking over a fire. I know how to build and start a fire, and I have done it multiple times before. For whatever reason, this fire did not want to cooperate. I was trying my best, but it did not want to stay lit. Just when I was reaching a point of frustration, the camp directors pulled up to check in on us and the troop next to us. One of the directors asked how it was going, and in a moment of honesty and humility I replied, “Well this fire is not loving me tonight!” She asked, “Would you like some help?” and without hesitation I replied, “Yeah, that would be great.” Ummmmmm did I just do that? Did I just say, “Yes I could use some help”? I don’t know if it was the exhaustion or sheer frustration, but I accepted the help. Willingly. In my head I was already thinking, “My therapist would be so proud of me.” That director worked her magic, and got our fire burning strong and steady. I was releived and feeling pretty proud of myself. Then I heard it…

One of my girls was explaining to another girl that had walked up to the fire what was going on. She said, “Mrs. April was failing, but Loki (the camp director) worked her magic and got the fire going.” In that moment I had a choice. Old me would have felt hurt and taken that stament to heart. I would have perseverated on the fact that I could not get that fire going, and I had to rely on someone else. Good thing I have been working on myself, because new me literally told myself, “Yes. You were failing, BUT you are not a failure.” What?!?! Who am I? I. Am. Not. A. Failure. I had one moment of struggle. One moment of not accomplishing a task. One moment of not succeding. One moment. That is it. And that one moment, that one mistake, does not define me as a person. My worth and value are not determined by one moment of failing. To be able to say that to myself was a huge step for me. To be able to let that moment pass and own the fact that it does not define me showed huge growth. So let me say it to you again. You may have a moment when you are failing, but YOU are not a failure!

P.S. I just went back to see the date of my last post, and it was almost exactly one year ago. At this rate, I may not post again until next May, but I am going to try really hard to avoid waiting that long. We shall see!